Falling in love with a city (and yourself) while desperately wanting to leave.

In Random Musings by EudaimoniaLeave a Comment

Well it’s been a while since I’ve managed to successfully sit down and actually finish a piece for this blog. And much like my life lately, I plan on keeping this post as dizzying, non sequitur, spontaneous, and humorous as possible.

A funny thing has happened these last few weeks…I’ve gotten a life. Out of nowhere, I’ve managed a few things I’ve failed at doing before. I’ve started to value my self-worth, and I’ve realized how awesome of a person I am. I’m having fun with it.

I’ve grown. I’ve made exponential leaps towards dashing any remaining feelings of social anxiety. I’m confident and charming, and occasionally pretty funny.

Little things are so much different.

I notice women eyeing me all the time when I walk into rooms. Rolling my whole country-boy-turned-scientist/philosopher shtick, I capture their attention for the night.   It’s a trip.

I’ve become a cunning and fairly smooth cad. I’ll be the first to admit that, but not that I’m entirely ashamed of it.

I’ve round up a great group of guy friends and we’re always falling into trouble unexpectedly. Whether its underground DJ parties, Mardi Gras with the drum tribe, or parading through the streets in burning man regale – we’ve been crashing the art scene a lot – which leads to meeting some fucking interesting people. People that make you think, “There’s nobody like this person, this ones unique‽”.

[You noticed that symbol after the word “unique”, eh? That little fucker’s called an interrobang, which has to be the coolest punctuation mark name ever right? Hell the interrobang is so cool it’s both a portmanteau and onomatopoeia.]

Oh, fuck all this grammar!

After exploring this city (for apparently the first time in years) I’m finding that KC is about to explode onto the scene as the place to be. The narrative here is strong. The city that’s never tried to be hip…it just organically became hip. There’s a burgeoning art scene, great music scene, and it’s affordable. Hell even the Huffington post named Kansas City as the place to be right now. It takes a little while to find your way into the world of awesomeness that is Kansas City but once you’ve found it…well it’s pretty great.

Which leads me to what I really intended on writing about…

Where the fuck does this country-boy-turned-scientist/philosopher fit into all of this?

I’m having the fucking time of my life in a city I desperately want to leave, and all because an idealized notion that my life would certainly be better somewhere else. For years I’ve neglected forming deep relationships while residing in KC for the most ridiculous reasons. For years I’ve not pushed myself to find “my peeps” while living here. The reason…after reflecting enough, is the deep rooted fear that I may actually end up loving this place, falling in love with the people here, *gasp* enjoying my time, and ending up too comfortable here.

It’s been the epitome of foreboding joy.

So I find myself in the crossroads of life…I’ve let people into my life finally and I’m having a great time. I want to leave for reasons I can’t fully (or rationally) explain…mainly for sense of adventure (but even that doesn’t fully encompass it). I’m enjoying myself in Kansas City as I have one foot out the door pumping job application after job application towards locales I have idealized within my mind. It’s one hell of a transition state to find one’s self stuck in.

But I’ve learned a bit from the last few months’ experiences:

  • It’s easy to move around in life and constantly inundate yourself with new experiences…making deep connections with people is tough. Real people are great! If you make deep connections with people the incentive to stay on the move depletes. I’ve known this and thwarted making deep connections for years and now at the time of my planned departure these connections have appeared.
  • Job searches are a bitch…they’re more exhausting than a day job, but when you’re dealing with current job burnout they’re more rewarding as well. It’s got to be the sense of progress I suppose.
  • Balancing personal development (or naval gazing) with the spontaneity and randomness of life can be tough. Have I been meditating as much as I would like lately, NO! Have I been finding social functions for random Tuesday nights, YES! Have I been journaling and blogging as much as I would like, NO! Have I been preoccupied with those of the fairer gender, YES! Preaching and practicing the values of personal development are easy when you’ve tamed your life down a bit, following these practices when forces are pulling you elsewhere is another beast altogether.
  • Time management is a skill I desperately need to work on.
  • Loving yourself and realizing your inner amazingness is the sexiest trait you can offer. I’ve felt wonderful lately about myself, much of which has been the fruit of deep introspection and personal development practices.
  • When you look at your world with a positive mindset, you will find an abundance of wonder and awe. This universe provides you with the opportunity to shape it as you see fit. Want to dwell on the negatives…well you’ll find a bunch of shitty things to gripe about. Want to bask in the positives…well you’ll find all the splendor and glory you could possibly imagine.

I’m going to close this post with the final question…does it really matter where you live if you’re able to shape the world to how you see fit? I’m not preaching complacency here…I’m simply stating that if you aren’t happy with yourself, you won’t be happy with yourself elsewhere either. Maybe this last bit of time I will spend in this grand city is meant to bring me peace with myself -a parting gift to send me on my way to happiness wherever I may land.

Much love to you all!

[and in particular, much love sent to Los Padres, The Vulvarines, Ms. Bisous Bisous, Ms. Jackie MountainSprouts, and Ms. Clementine – ya’ll are awesome!]